So, there's this kid...

... and he lives in my town. He goes to my college. He is in one of my classes. The full extent of his being cannot be properly comprehended by someone who hasn't met him before, but since I haven't updated in a while and my rant about the WBC's reaction to Heath Ledger's death wouldn't be anything you haven't heard, I thought I'd take a little slice of my own life for your viewing displeasure. His name... is Daniel Howell.

And never, ever, have I so virulently disliked someone to the point that seeing Daniel breathe the very same air that I do immediately renders the task a burden upon my soul. He is not just stupid and annoying, but a compact version of each and every one of humanity's foils, a useless sack of shit whose existence itself is a good argument for the collapse of the universe. He is not intentionally irritating, but there is literally no forgiveness for the kind of absolutely retarded guff that Daniel so cluelessly excretes. Most of which I shall describe.

First of all, his appearance. His fish-eyes are a faeces brown and sit haphazardly off-centre, peering lifelessly in what must be two different directions through glasses that I swear have been on his head since Primary School. His nose is big and lumpy, jutting out above a mouth that hangs open in that braindead fashion somewhat reminiscent of 28 Days Later. He wears death metal shirts constantly to assure people that - yes - he is one hardcore mothafucka, and his short dark hair sits unkempt in a way that is scarily similar to that of Mr. Bean. Daniel Howell is Mr. Bean The Younger, I swear to god.

You'd think despite all his faults he would be a somewhat tolerable person if he just kept himself to himself like a good boy, but oh no, this idiot is intent on inflicting the most skin-tearing sense of awkwardness on every single person he comes into contact with. He will randomly approach people that he recognises, people that wouldn't give him the time of day, and invites them out with him to places he's seen them at before. He is in such a desperate underlying search for some other form of acceptance that he will ask anybody he can think of to accompany him. ... and I mean anybody.

For his birthday party downtown, he invited his music teacher. A man who deserves his own seperate blog of hatred, Mr. Stock. Bare in mind Daniel is 17-18 years old, he asked a TEACHER to his BIRTHDAY PARTY. It is the epitome of the well-rounded void that is his social life. He is intent on voicing his worthless opinions on every occasion. We'd be sitting in a Media class, watching student-made music videos as examples of practical work, and Dan will say shit like "Well THAT was good wasn't it," and "Uhhh.. OKAAAAAY," as loudly as possible at the end of every single one. Like we fucking care what you think about what was actually a reasonably well-made video you useless fucking chode. You are not the Voice of the Silent Majority.

It's his perception on everything around him that is distorted so violently to the point where one questions the reasons behind their very existence. I remember once he caught me looking at some internet comic, promptly dragged a chair right over to sit next to me, and started blabbing absent-mindedly away, before glancing at the screen and leaning in to examine every fucking pixel. "Whassis?" He asks, I mumble quietly, "Eh, just a webcomic, something to pass the time." And he widens his dead eyes and looks at me in this way like I'm some fucking freak of nature.

Sorry, Dan, but I think out of the two of us, in terms of who is weirder, there is simply no contest. A single cell from your body contains more weird in it than the rest of the fucking universe does. But despite all your flaws and genocide-inducing traits and habits, there lies a sparkling future for you. People, I say this with absolutely no essence of exaggeration. Daniel Howell could become famous for being so unconcievably retarded. He could knock Dax Flame off the podium like that. Seriously, if he just made a Youtube blog he'd be a star.

I simply cannot go on. The mere extent of Daniel Howell's imbecile existence stretches farther than any plane of time. The very depth of his faults could refloat an unimaginable number of Titanics. Daniel Howell is the most staggeringly bizarre and unpopular human being ever to disgrace teen life, and I say that without one inkling of wordy-overreaction. ... he's actually got a girlfriend though, but I think she's got some kind of control chip stuck in there somewhere.